I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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