1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
