just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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