I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
