Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Let's get the cat blown out
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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