I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
we're making bets on your personal life
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
