These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
