I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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