if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
