I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
