I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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