I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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