Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
