I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
