I saw his package. It spoke to me.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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