I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
