im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
