a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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