Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
