Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Congratulations! We have a period
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
