my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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