I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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