Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
