Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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