You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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