Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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