We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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