So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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