just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
