You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
