Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
