here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
