My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Randomize
