we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
