i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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