Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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