yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
