On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
