you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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