Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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