I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
