I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
