fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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