i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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