wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
