when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Congratulations! We have a period
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
