I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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