just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
