so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
