so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
