If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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