Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i wish my penis had a tongue
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
