i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
