i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
