He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
