just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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