he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She's the barista slut.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i've created a new STD.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
